Love Through Pain Page 10

  She walked down to the nursery, knowing she shouldn’t, but she just had to see him once. Jazmine looked through the glass, and there he was—baby Martinez. He was perfect. Javier was right, he did have her lips. She had an idea of what he was going to look like, because her attackers were white, or so she thought. She placed her hand over her lips, kissed it, and touched the glass. “I will always love you,” she vowed before leaving him.

  ***

  Javier knocked on her door, and she didn’t respond. He pushed the door open, and she wasn’t in her bed. He panicked; deep down he knew what’d happened. She was gone, but he seared the room anyway and found the hospital gown on the bathroom floor. He punched the wall, and then rubbed his knuckles.

  Tears threated to fall as he glanced around the area. This was the plan all along; she would leave once the baby was born, but he hadn’t prepared himself. He took a deep breath, and then saw a note lying on her tray.

  He picked it up, and read it.

  Javier,

  We knew this day was coming. It hurts, but this is what I have to do, because I love him. Please take care of him…

  Love,

  Jazmine, NJM

  A single tear escaped his eye as he finished reading her note; she’d used the baby’s initials. Nicolas Justin Martinez.

  One thought repeated itself in his mind. I didn’t get to say goodbye…

  Chapter Seventeen

  It was Nicky’s first week home, and Javier was having a hard time with the newborn. He wondered why he cried so much, and at times, nothing he did had made him stop. Did he miss his mother? He’d been up three times already. Four fifteen in the morning, and Nicky began another bout of crying.

  “Fuck…” Javier punched the mattress, turning on his side, rising, and preparing to pick the baby up. Nicky’s crib was next to the bed. “Sorry, son, I didn’t curse at you.” He picked him up, but he continued crying and sucking on his hand. “Are you hungry again?”

  He strolled into the kitchen, and made the baby’s bottle with one hand as he held on to the crying infant with the other.

  He finished making the bottle and started to feed Nicky. “You’re going to be fat if you continue eating like this.” He smiled, staring at his son. His eyes were hazel with a hint of gray. Nicky stared back, smiling around the nipple.

  Javier finished feeding him. He turned him on his shoulder and gently patted his back until a faint burp reached his ears. “Are you going to do this every night?” He kissed the crown of his head. “I miss your mommy, too.”

  ***

  Javier fell asleep on the couch with Nicky in his arms. It was getting easier, but the baby was getting spoiled; he found that Nicky slept better when he was held. Every night around nine, he would put him to sleep reading a new book. A stack of children books arrived in the mail, and he knew exactly who’d sent them.

  The ringing of his doorbell woke him up. Javier checked his watch, it was eight in the morning. The baby was still asleep on his chest. “I’m spoiling you.” He placed him in the playpen, and then walked to the door.

  His mom and sister stood on the landing with huge smiles on their faces when he opened the door.

  “Where’s my grandson?” His mom entered the house with Lucy right behind her.

  “He’s in the playpen. Where’s Carlitos?” He closed the door.

  “Jose is finally stepping up. I guess you being a father encouraged him to be a better dad.” His mom stood in front of the bassinette, bending down to pick up Nicolas. “Dios mio que bello es. He is gorgeous, look at all this hair.” She touched his head.

  His mom never mentioned the fact that the baby looked Hispanic. She was the only other person that knew the truth.

  “Te vez cansado.” His mother watched him.

  “I am. He sleeps all day and is up at nights.”

  “You just have to try to keep him up during the day.” His mom kissed the baby’s cheek. “I know it’s hard being a single parent, but you got this.” She smiled.

  “If you say so.” His lids were getting heavy with sleep.

  Lucy kissed the baby’s fingers. “Where’s Jazmine?” She looked around.

  Javier leaned against the door. “She’s gone.”

  “Hijo, are you okay?”

  He stumbled over to his mom. “The last week has been difficult, but I’ll survive. I just have to get him on a routine.” He sat next to his mom.

  “I meant Jazmine leaving.”

  He closed his eyes. “I didn’t get to say goodbye, but this was the plan.”

  “But was it your plan?” His mom arched her thin brow.

  He opened his eyes and stared at his mother. What was she talking about?

  “You fell in love with her, didn’t you?” She watched him.

  He quickly straightened. “Can you watch him while I take a nap?”

  She patted the baby’s back. “Yes.”

  There was no need to talk about it. Jazmine was gone—end of story.

  ***

  Javier’s paternity leave was over, and he was back at work with his forehead on his desk. He was tired, and he didn’t even have time to shave correctly. He hadn’t been able to comb his hair in days. Nicky continued to stay up all night. He tried everything to keep the baby up during the day, but nothing was working. Hopefully his mother could help. She was keeping Nicky during the day while he prepared to transfer duty stations.

  “Chief, are you okay?” Petty Officer Smith entered his office.

  Javier lifted his head, and glared at her. “What do you want?”

  “Chief, no disrespect, but you look horrible.” She stared at him.

  “Well having a newborn at home and it’s more difficult than I thought.” He leaned back in his chair.

  “Is the baby keeping you up?” She stared at him curiously.

  “He didn’t go to sleep until nearly five in the morning.” He rolled his neck, combing his hair with his fingers.

  “Have you tried swaddling him?” She placed some documents in his inbox.

  “Swaddling?”

  She chuckled. “It’s a special way to wrap your baby. It worked for me.”

  “What’s so special about wrapping him up?”

  “They feel secure, it keeps them warm, tight, and snuggled.” Petty Officer Smith pulled out her phone from her pocket, and then played on it. “Here, it shows you how to swaddle him.” She handed him her phone.

  He grabbed it, watched the video, and then handed it back to her.

  “We’ll see if that works. Thanks.” He picked up the papers she’d set down.

  “That’s your transfer documents, you just have to sign them.”

  He grabbed his pen, signed the paper, and handed it to her. “Thanks.”

  She turned to leave, and looked back. “Chief Martinez, we are going to miss you.” She continued out.

  Javier tried to get his shit together. He grabbed a razor he had in his desk and hurriedly shaved. He combed his hair with his fingers again. He needed to get to work; only three more weeks, and he would be gone to his new duty station. Nicky kept him up at nights, but he honestly couldn’t see his life without him. He loved that little boy. His dreams of being a father had finally come true.

  He opened his shirt pocket to retrieve his ID card to start up his computer, and he felt a piece of paper. He pulled it out, unfolded it, and then read it.

  How do you tell a friend you’re falling in love with him?

  J.N.O

  “You just tell him,” he said to himself, getting angry at Jazmine. Why didn’t she just hear him out? He’d called her to thank her for the books and all the baby stuff she’d sent, but once again she’d changed her number.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Javier drove to his parents’ home. He wanted to see them before he left for his new command. Nicky was sound asleep in the back seat of his new SUV. He watched him from his rearview mirror, and smiled. Jazmine gave him the best gift any woman could give him, a son. Another box
with baby items: like bottles, more books, clothes, and several saving bonds, arrived in the mail, but it didn’t have a return address. He knew Jazmine loved her son, and she needed to be part of his life. She’d made the only decision she thought she could. I should’ve pushed harder, I should’ve told her how I felt, maybe then she would’ve change her mind.

  He pulled into their driveway, and parked. Javier stepped out of his truck and walked to the back door to open it. He unhooked the seat and took Nicky out. Proudly, he strolled up to his parents’ house, and the front door swung open before he could knock.

  Monica was standing there with a smile on her face. “Hi, Javy.”

  “Monica.” He nodded and squeezed past her, entering his family’s home.

  His mom took fast strides from the kitchen. “Mi ñieto.” She grabbed the car seat from his hands.

  “Bendición, Ma.” He kissed her.

  She ignored him and began taking the baby out his seat.

  “Ma, I’m talking to you.” He laughed, watching her as she gently picked Nicky up.

  His mom kissed his chunky cheeks. “Que Dios te bendiga Javy.” She cradled the baby in her arms and turned to Monica. “Monica, this is my grandbaby, Nicolas. Isn’t he bello?” She raised the baby up so Monica could see him clearly.

  Monica turned to Javier with a dumbfounded look on her face, and her lips thinned. “Javy, can we have a minute?” She marched toward the backyard.

  Javier kissed his son on his head, and then slowly followed her out. Thank God I’m leaving, he thought. He put up with Monica’s shit because of his family, and yes, the sex was good.

  He was going try to leave on a good note, so he was going to be nice. Her hair was up in a high ponytail, and she wore a tank top and tight jeans. “You look nice.” He observed her thin figure.

  “Tell me the truth.” Monica pointed her index finger at him.

  He shook his head, here goes. “What truth?”

  She folded her arms over her chest. “He’s yours!” she roared.

  He just stared at her, he wasn’t going to play guessing games.

  “That baby is really yours.” Monica’s finger now pointed to the house as her face turned red. “Why would you tell everyone that you were adopting him, when clearly he’s your biological son.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” He lashed out.

  “You might’ve fooled everybody, but you’re not fooling me.” She talked with her hands. “That baby isn’t just black, he has your hair and eyes.”

  Javier lips curled into a smirked.

  “You fucked la morena esa, and got her pregnant.” She paced. “You cheated on me again with that fucking nig—”

  He took one step right in front of her, and pointed. “I’m going tell you this for the last time, I didn’t mess around on you, but I won’t allow you to insult Jazmine.”

  Her mouth formed an O. She went to speak, but he continued.

  “My DNA does not run through his body, but Nicolas is my son in every way that counts.” Javier lowered his hand, and then turned, walking back into the house.

  She followed him in and grabbed her purse. “Maria, I’ll see you later.” She turned, staring at him. “We are over.”

  Javier laughed, taking his baby from his mom. “Monica, we don’t have anything to end.”

  She stomped her feet like a child, and grunted.

  “Javier, that wasn’t nice.” His mom scolded him.

  “It’s the truth; I only stayed with her because of you.” He stared at his mother. “It’s what you and her mother wanted, and I tried to please you, but I’m over it now. I’m doing what makes me happy, not what always pleases my family.”

  “Hijo.”

  “Sorry Ma, but it was time I told you how I really feel.” He patted his son on his back.

  Monica put her hand on her hip. “So you used me for sex?” Her quiet words took on an ominous tone

  “I don’t need to hear this, let me take mi gordo upstairs.” His mom took the baby, and then started trudging up the stairs.

  Javier waited until he heard his mom close her door.

  “No, Monica, I could get sex anywhere. We grew up together, and you were familiar to me. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I’m not stringing you along any longer.”

  “You don’t have to worry about that anymore.” She placed her hand on the doorknob.

  He walked up to her and placed his hand on hers. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, hopefully we can remain friends.”

  She smacked his hands off hers, and turned. “Fuck you, Javier!”

  “Monica, you can do better than me,” he sincerely said.

  She gave him a dirty stare. “I know I can do better than you. I was just keeping our families happy too, but I don’t need you.”

  “Look, I came here to say bye to my family, not argue with you.” He stepped aside, opening the door. “I thought we could still be friends, but now I see I was wrong.”

  “Vete pal Carajo, pendejo!” she screamed and left the house.

  He slammed the door, finally over.

  Javier ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time, feeling good about finally getting through to Monica. He entered his mother’s room and smiled when he saw his mother, Lucy, and Carlitos playing with his son.

  “Tio!” Carlitos yelled, jumping off the bed and running up to him.

  “Mama is coming to stay, and papa has been picking me up,” Carlitos said, excited.

  “Que bueno.” Javier looked over at his mom.

  “Yes, Olga is finally coming back home.” His mother nuzzled Nicky’s neck, making him giggle.

  “Tio, I’m going to miss you.” Carlitos hugged his leg.

  Javier messed up his nephew’s hair. “You can come visit me.”

  “Okay.” Carlitos went back on the bed and kissed his cousin’s forehead.

  Javier lay on the bed with his family, talking, laughing, and playing. In a few days, he wouldn’t be able to jump into his SUV and come home anymore. He kissed his sister on her head, feeling sad.

  “I’m going to miss you guys.” He gazed at his family.

  His mom caressed the baby’s chunky cheeks. “Javy, I’m going to miss you and my gordo.” She tickled Nicky’s foot.

  “Nicky could pass as Carlitos brother,” Lucy said. He hadn’t noticed it before, but he did resemble his nephew. That was a good thing. “But, he also looks like you.”

  “Yes, he does…” Javier kissed his son’s tiny fingers, making him smile.

  Lucy rolled over to Javier and hugged him tight. “I’m going miss you, too.”

  He wiped her tears. “You can always come and visit.”

  Javier was a bit emotional, but he knew he needed a new start—somewhere far from his family.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Jazmine wandered through her parent’s home, nothing had changed, but nothing seemed the same either. Her heart was broken, and she couldn’t escape an incomplete feeling. She couldn’t get her baby boy out of her mind, and all she saw were his hair, lips, and fingers. Her body yearned for him; it had been three months, and every day she picked up the phone to call Javier, and then slammed it down against her desk.

  That last kiss with Javier—he’d imprinted his lips on hers. She missed his smile and his voice. He’d become her safe haven, and now that he was gone, she felt lost. It was difficult putting her life back together, but slowly she was coming into her own. She’d always been a beast at work, but now it was her sole focus. She would not let those bastards win. She’d even tried going out with her ex, Malcolm, but that turned out to be a disaster. Jazmine couldn’t handle being touched by anyone except for Javier.

  She touched her lips, remembering their kiss.

  “Jazzy,” her dad called her out of her thoughts.

  Jazmine visited her parents every other Sunday. They lived about an hour away from her. She wondered what Javier and her son were doing.

  “Yes, dad,” Jazmine continued, staring o
ut of the window.

  “What’s wrong?” He placed his hand on her shoulder.

  She gave him a fake smile. “Nothing.”

  “Sweetie, don’t lie to me. Since you’ve been back from your trip, you haven’t been the same.”

  “I don’t know what you’re taking about.”

  He gently squeezed her shoulder. “Your spark is missing. You used to be so full of energy. Where’s your joy? It’s like someone took it from you.”

  She turned, looking at his shiny baldhead, and then into his eyes, trying to give him the best smile she could. “Dad, I’m fine.”

  “Why haven’t you been to church?”

  Jazmine smirked, thinking about the night she was attacked. Where was God then, she thought. “Why should I?”

  “Excuse me.” Her dad’s eyes narrowed, and he reared back to stare at her. “Talk to me child?”

  Jazmine nervously pulled on her shirt. She missed Javier, he always seemed to know when something was wrong and would listen or just talk until she felt better. She needed him now, she was trying to be strong, but deep down … it was so hard. “A friend of mine got raped.” She sat on the couch.

  Her dad took a seat next to her. “Is she okay?”

  “No dad, she’s not okay,” her voice rattled. “Why would God let that happen to her?”

  He stared at her, and sighed. “Darling, we don’t know why bad things happen to good people, but God is always there. He knows why things happen.”

  She balled her fists. “She wants them to pay for what they did, she needs revenge,” Jazmine spat out.

  “You think revenge will make her feel better?” She didn’t answer, peering down at her hands. “It won’t.” Her dad took her hands in his. “In Roman’s it says; ‘Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” He picked up a piece of Kleenex from the side table and handed it to her. “God is the only revenge she needs, he will look after his child. That man who raped her will pay for what he did to her, in God’s time.”